Boogie Boarding with my Father's Australian Mistress

It takes a lot for me to put things in perspective. Generally because it involves stopping for long enough to look at the big picture.

This summer I went on a road trip across Georgia while I was away from Colorado. In a week I went to visit my friend Michelle in Statesboro, to Savannah with her to have party party fun good times, and finally to Saint Simons Island to be apart of my Dad's family vacation.

Like the previous family vacation to Euro Disney World (when my dad and his family were living in Belgium) we brought along a family who I like to affectionately refer to as the "Dutch/British/Egyptians".

This family consists of five charming, hard to understand, blond haired, blue eyed, extremely fit ethnically Dutch citizens. They are the best friends of my Father, my Stepmother, my half brother and half sister. They all match up perfectly in age and gender, with the exception of the youngest Derick. He is incidentally the cutest six year old native French speaker that has ever lived.

So I arrive at the rental house on the island, which is way bigger and more over the top than I could have ever imagined. Four stories, rooftop dining area, elevator, two whirlpools, private beach access, four car garage, and seven bedrooms.

Now while this sort of thing may be fairly run of the mill for an international business executive and the co-owner of a popular world wide snack food corporation, it is not common place for a struggling college student that grew up with a single mother living in a two bedroom ranch house less than a mile away from the Columbus, GA municipal airport. It's a touch awkward for me to ask for a pair of flip flops to wear to the beach and be handed a pair of Prada peeptoe loafers.

So one morning after waking up on the 8,000 thread count sheets of the spare cot in the executive office on the fourth floor of the vacation home my step mom pokes her head in to tell me they're all going boogie boarding in about ten minutes.

I get up and get my things together and hobble down to the beach.

After a few hours of sitting in the water on a kid's boogie board next to my step mom and half sister, watching the Dutch children scream and fight with each other about sandcastles in French on the shore just a few feet ahead of us, and my father laying out in the sun talking with his fellow international executive friend, I realized how insane all of it was.

There I was, next to the woman my father left my mother for more than ten years ago when we were happy living in Australia. She was his secretary, and they ran off to Disneyland together in the states. I hated her, I drew pictures of her as a slug, as a monster, and she was the first person I ever called a bitch.

But she was floating next to me in her designer strapless belted swimsuit with her nine year old daughter next to her.

After a few runs to and from the shoreline I excused myself and went back to the extravagant rental house to nurse my sunburn.

A couple of hours later when everyone was done with lunch I said my goodbyes in my very best French, kissed everyone in the most European way I could muster, and headed back to highway 17.

Boogie Boarding with the woman my father cheated on my mother with put everything in a new perspective. We all have our guilt, and maybe inviting me to spend a weekend on the southern coast of Georgia relieves theirs a little.

But it doesn't help in my bitterness, and I think their efforts to make me apart of their extravagant life makes me even angrier than hanging me out to dry would make me.

I hope they know all they're doing is providing me material for my memoirs when I'm famous.

The Internet

Now that I have a whole month off of school, I've got time to comment on my typically insane American family, and a lot of things to bitch and reflect about. So I'm gonna put it out there.

"So", you say, "Amy, you spend a lot of time on the Internet. What's up with that?"

Well I like information. And I like to make fun of people. Generally indirectly, and the Internet does that.

Now I'm not one to go through through these new fangled 'fourms' and 'boards' to critique teeny boppers on their latest asymmetrical haircuts or Disney channel celebrity crushes, but I DO like to watch other people do it.

Or just see people point out the flaws in people's poorly crafted outfits.

I generally pass my time by gathering my information at:

Go Fug Yourself
http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/

All time favorite bitches. With pages and pages dedicated to lycra and spandex mishaps, gold lamae hot pants, and a love hate relationship with footless tights, these girls embody everything I think everyday, only with more famous people.

While I hold back screams of terror when I see cable knit uggboots paired with cut off denim skirts, they give an internal monologue for Britney Spears. So different, yet so much the same.


I Watch Stuff
http://www.iwatchstuff.com/

So this guy has three blogs in one, that are fairly different, but work seamlessly together. My favorite, and the most informative of these is "I Watch Stuff". It's got a hell of a lot of leaked movie information and trailers, some even so illegal they're taken down within hours of being posted. So scandalous.

Also has "The Superficial" and "Geekologie". Great for fairly unreliable yet entertaining celebrity gossip and cutting edge/over the top/strange Japanese inventions.

Group Hug
http://grouphug.us/
Okay this might be a scam, and I swear it hasn't been updated in at LEAST a year, but it's got thousands of posts, and it's way addicting. Just click random and there you go, entertained for hours.

I'm sure most of these are bogus, but just to think someone can dream this shit up gives me hope that I'm entirely normal.

A Softer World
http://asofterworld.com/
The best absolute best web comic out there. Also the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

Sometimes I feel like it's the only web based outlet that understands me. And that's kind of saying a lot.

McSweeney's
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/
If you don't know about this then you don't know about the Internet. You are also probly not my friend.

As a customer service worker and city employee with full Internet access and a lot of slow business days, I can confidently say I have read upwards of 90% of McSweeney's lists.

Mindy Kaling's Blog
http://mindyephron.blogspot.com/
As one of the biggest "The Office" fans in functional society, I cannot get enough of Mindy Kaling. (If you're out of the loop, or mentally unstable, she plays Kelly Kapoor) She is super hip, super funny, and super the girl I want to be when I grow up.

Her blog is basically a list of all the things she's bought with her newly found disposable income from "The Office". Screw investments and real estate, this girl is buying underpants and Slanket's (it's a blanket with sleeves ya'll, think about that).

Radar Online
http://www.radarmagazine.com/
Now in my effort to be environmental (which is a very small effort, I assure you), I have made a conscious decision to read radar online instead of get the pesky magazine delivered to my door. This is also great because this way it's free.

It's like my Newsweek and people put together in a much more fun and photo manipulated, edgy, and way inappropriate kind of way.

Fark.com
http://www.fark.com/
The best news source of all time. I spend can entertain myself for years on this thing. It's like that five minutes of morning radio when the overzealous DJ talks about all the weird news of the day. But hundred's of stories at a time.

Awesome, and great for passing time, if you need to.


So when you're done picking the perfect song to emulate your mood on your myspace, 'checking up on' the kid you sat behind in English last semester on facebook, and catching up on the latest "Hills" episodes, pick something on that list to rot your brain further.

That's what the Internet is for, it's just a series of tubes.